What did your mother say that made your jaw drop?

Well she is so snotty, O.K. she may have married a bit of money, I don’t know but she feels she is above everybody else.

What on earth has brought this on, said my mother?

Well son “ I think I might have got you some tickets”

How do teachers justify punishing a student for fighting back against their bullies?

“Mum why is my sister such a bitch!”

What! how could you do that?

Well the other day she came into my shop asking for the usual discount and mentioned that she had tickets for the wimbledon Tennis final but couldn’t go.

What is the logic behind the porn being legal but not prostitution? Isn't it the same thing in essence?

So I said to my sister “ You mean to say that that you leave two empty seats rather than give them to your brother” I replied in astonishment. - “Well yes thats how it works in our circle!” responded my sister.

Oh I said, can my wife have them she would give her right arm to see a Wimbledon tennis final?

Well I slept with the president of the Lawn tennis Association year ago, I think he may have remembered!!

Why am I peeing so much without drinking a lot of water? I checked my blood sugar and it is normal. Could it be something else?

True - how I loved my mum!

What do you mean son?

About 30 years back, I was speaking with my mother.

What can you do if someone makes a false accusation against you?

My mother said to me “ Why didn’t you speak to me about this before”

Do you know what she said mum?

She said, “Oh no I can’t give you our tickets, if we can’t go, well we don’t go - it is just not done to give away final tickets.”

Why does my vagina and around my butthole itch? I don't have weird discharge and I'm still a virgin.

“Oh come off it mum what would be the point?”